Last Weekend

Last Saturday, I went mall-ing with my boo.. :D
We went to Plaza Semanggi, and ate in The Soup Restaurant near the entry down into Giant supermarket. My boo really likes this restaurant, we go there quite often. Last Saturday, we ordered Udang Tahu, because there's a promotion, if you buy Udang Tahu, you get free desert, wah.., it turned out the Udang Tahu was verrrrrryyyyy delicious..!! nyam nyam...!! We also ordered Brokoli and Mushroom, nyam nyam...
After eating in The Soup we went upstairs to check on the movie. It turned out that Star Wards: Revenge of Sith was playing, so we went to see that movie. Since we still had around 45 minutes before the movie started, my boo said that he'd craved for Yakunkaya toast, so we went there and drank milk tea and coffee tea, and of course the famous toast, nyam nyam....
Then we went to see the movie. waaaaaaaaaaaaahhh..., the movie is so saddening, it breaks my heart, i cried during the film, it was just sooo very sad.., my boo said that i was too sentimentil, but that's just who I am. When you realized that there's no turning back for Anakin Skywalker, it just breaks your heart, moreover when Padme said..., "oh no Anakin.., you're choosing a path, I cannot follow..." waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...., nangis bombayyy.....
I mean he was just doing all that to save Padme at the first place!! There is no cause more noble than that!!! Saving your own wife, that's the noblest thing of noble to me. huaaaaaaaaaahuaaaa..
One zen-like wisdom that i don't understand was when Yoda said to Anakin that, "attachment is not good" something like you have to be free of it. If Padme has to encounter what she has to encounter, then just believe that that's not the end and that that's the way. wahhhhhh...., ga bisa ga bisa ga bisa ga bisa..., in fact the reason why i'm not a buddhist, although i think the religion is very very good, is because Siddharta left his wife, just like that, cold blooded.., i mean nooooo.., it's whether you don't have a spouse, or you have one and stay loyal at all cost. no reason.
If I was Anakin, I was to choose the same path that he chose.., and I would've fallen I guess and had the same fate as him (except that I will perish sooner, since I am not 'sakti' like Anakin hheheeh). If I was Padme, I would have been heartbroken just like she is.., and would have died of a broken heart, like she is. huahauhauhauhauahu....... I cried and cried and cried. To my boo's puzzlement.. hehehe...
Nevertheless..., one lesson taken.., though I don't quite chew it yet.., I guess there's some truth in Yoda's saying that,

"Attachment leads to jealousy.
The shadow of greed, that is.
Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose."

sorry master yoda.., but that level.., i am not in yet... :D
hahaha...
full saying of Yoda to Anakin:
"Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force. Mourn them, do not. Miss them, do not. Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is. Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." —Yoda"

to be honest with you, my motto is "it is ALL right, as long as you live!!... LIVE at all cost.."

fiuh..., revenge of sith..., it's a heartbreaking movie.., the fall of a good man.., a fallen angel.

and that was my weekend with my boo, quite a nice one.. :D

song lyrics

~ you're a discontented mother and a regimented wife...
... i've no doubt you dream about the things you'll never do ~

a discontented mother and a regimented wife,
dreaming about the things i'll never do

From the song
I've never been to me Charlene
(Ken Kirsch/Ronald Miller)

Tour de Sumatra

Bengkulu
Last week wah..., hectic bangets tuh..., sejak Selasa malam sampai Sabtu siang aku tour of duty sepanjang Sumatra island.
Jadi Selasa malam kita naik pesawat ke Bengkulu, sampai sana malam jam 19:00 terus makan di rumah makan Sea Food gitu habis itu nginep di hotel Horizon, belakangnya ada pantai tuh..., indah deh..., tapi kita bisanya mfotonya pagi pagi bener...


Trawas
Soalnya pagi pagi jam 5 pagi.., yess.., correct, jam Lima pagi..., kita dah didalam mobil dan sudah dalam perjalanan ke sebuah kota (or desa) bernama Trawas. Sampai Trawas jam 10:00an gitu. Wahhhh..., perjalanannya memabokkan karena jalanannya ngelewatin hutan gitu dan melintasi bukit, jadi jalanannya belak belok naik turun ga keruan, sampai aku mabok dan bahkan muntah keluar jendela mobil double cabin itu.., waahhh.., padahal sudah lama banget aku nggak pernah mabok lagi.. Kita sempet berhenti di kota yang ceritanya kayak 'Puncak'nya Jakarta gitu.., yaitu Curup, disitu kita sempet berhenti untuk makan pagi, makan mie dan teh panas, lumayan untuk meredakan mabokku. Terus kita stay di Trawas sampai jam 16:00. Disitu banyak pohon kelapa sawitnyah, dan cuacanya panas...
Jam 16:00 kita kembali berada didalam mobil dan kembali melakukan perjalanan 3.5jam lebih itu untuk mencapai kembali kota Bengkulu. Di Bengkulu sampai jam 19:00an juga dan kita makan makanan Padang. Disini sempet 'tertipu' karena kita masuk ke ruangan AC dibilang boleh boleh.., ternyata akhirnya di-charge 15ribuan gitu heheh..


Medan
Kemudian pagi-paginya jam 6 kita juga udah kumpul di lobi, makan pagi di hotel, setengah tujuh teng kita ke airport untuk kembali ke Jakarta, dalam rangka transit langsung ke Medan. Jadi walaupun satu pulau, ga ada tuh penerbangan Bengkulu-Medan, kita musti balik dulu Jakarta naik pesawat jam 8:00 untuk catch up pesawat ke Medan jam 10:40. Sampai di Medan jam 13:00 gitu terus kita makaaaaannnn DIM SUM... hmm nyam nyam... di Nelayan Jala Jala. Kemudian setelah itu langsung deh kita naik mobil kembali dan chao ke Bah Lias (dari Medan ke arah mendekati Danau Toba).


Bah Lias
Di Bah Lias cuacanya lebih adem dari di Trawas, dan villa tempat kita nginap belakangnya danau gitu, indah deh... Kita stay disana satu hari satu malam. Bah Lias indah.., dan cuacanya juga pas nggak panas, pas aja gitu..., Ternyata ini tempat sudah ada sejak tahun 1916, jadi mungkin sudah sejak jaman Belanda gitu..., ada foto foto kuno tempo doeloe..., a nice place.



Dolok
Habis itu Jumat siang kita sempat ke Dolok. Dolok cuacanya juga sama dengan Bah Lias, disini juga banyak pohon kelapa sawit dan karet. Baru sorenya jam 17:00 kita sudah dalam mobil kembali menuju Medan. Sampai di Medan jam 19:00an kemudian kita maem MIE...!! nyam nyam makanan di Medan memang enak2..., abis itu kita nginep di hotel Emerald. Setelah itu Sabtu paginya kita menuju ke airport untuk pulang ke Jakarta...



Demikianlah Tour de Sumatra kali ini.. :D

Sadness

My world was with my guy all day and night long
And since I cannot have it...
My world is having another-ten-minutes-nap in the morning
My world is a pile comic books and a bowl of home-made red beans soup
My world is crosstiching with a package of rice crackers beside me
I can't live in this world of yours and theirs, so...
Let me have this little solitary world of mine

~by Harum Natali~

Inspired by my post 'Sadness' below,
a very good friend of mine, Harum Natali, wrote her own version.
It's so beautiful, I'd like to share it in the main page.

Flowers

Flowers are what I'm feeling today...
Thank you for so many blessings in my days...
I would be true to you my Lord...
'Tis a promise of a promise breaker...
But this one I mean it...
And intend to keep...
By Your Grace You will see...
In the end I'll be true.

The Express Way

She lives life the express way...,
She eats fast, walks fast, she doesn't know what she's missing.
She works almost all the time
She doesn't sleep long
She's restless
And she takes less care of herself
She doesn't know what she's passed along the way...

-an ode to my dearest friends who work as if tomorrow would never be-

Love

How can love change so easily?
It is not love if it changes that easily.
How can one say this here and that there..
How can one settle of a lesser love as long as they marry.

What is marriage without love?
It doesn't mean athing...
It's not marriage that makes great story
It's not marriage that makes one can endure anything
It's not marriage that keeps two souls close to each other
It has always been love and always will be...
Then why would settle with a lesser love just for marriage.

It is not love if it does not hurt
For love has always been a two bladed sword

When you love someone
don't you glue your heart to your lover's?
You cannot separate yourself unless you tear your heart of a bit.
Is it...

I thought love suppose to be true
I thought it suppose to be forever...
How can you forget someone who was close to your heart?

I don't understand...
I don't want to understand...

Love suppose to be forever!
You don't have the right to love if you don't mean it...

Love is all you need...
You don't play with love...
It's life-sustaining...
Love should be forever...
Otherwise, it is not love.

Sadness

I love sadness.., it's sweet...
But the more you grow up,
the more you're losing the capacity
to cope with it.

I now find solace in comedy,
in jazz, that horrible music that I was confused with.

Laughing seemed shallow before,
but now it gives me strength to endure another day.

Sadness chokes me now.
That bitter sweet feeling that I was addicted to,
it chokes me now.

I don't know why.
I liked serious things, deep things..
But now..., :) .. hah..
I prefer to watch 'Friends' or 'Everybody Loves Raymond'.

Sadness..., it has become unbearable.
That sweet thing.

Split Second's Love

hehehehehe...
judul artikelku yang satu ini menjiplak abis judul artikel punya Kay's Mom...
So probably you want to read the original one's Split Second's Love.

But this one is about the split second's love of mine.
Actually..., ya..., actually...
dari kecil itu nggak tahu kenapa, aku tuh udah maless banget yang namanya merit. Bagiku seorang wanita kalo merit itu menyia-nyiakan hidupnya. Buat hidup kok malah harus ngelayanin, ya hidup yah kalo bisa dilayanin, kalo nggak yah at least mandiri.., lha wong udah ngelayanin, ga dibayar lagi.. hehehe..., masih mending pembantu daripada istri, (dan lebih mending *you know who/what* daripada istri in other line of service ;P) because at least they get paid, they can resign, and they can call it quits. All those things are not an option for a wife. (For an eye opening dimension, please read Nawal El Saadawi's Women at Point Zero, a short novel about women liberating herself).
I don't know where I get this. But I guess I get this from my mother. No.., my mother is not a feminist, though she has liberating thoughts. She is a homemaker, since being a nurse in the past you have to quit when you're married.

***wah... harus bersambung dulu yah..., saudaraku dah nyampe sini ***

:P

*** bersambung ***
Yes.., although she's a homemaker, my mother is by all means NOT the regular housewife (although I don't know what's regular nowadays, well at least not regular in its traditional meaning). She is very strong, very dominant, consented to marriage when all other options are closed.., and ... has high hopes for her children, especially her only daughter. Hopes I have never failed to comply, until now.. heheheehehehehheeh :P

BUT, back to the original story of Split Second's Love..., that being the case, I was not interested in boys. Well in SMA kalo naksir2an gitu sering, dari SMP, dari SD malah.., but it was really all for the fun of it. I also had a habit that when a boy is a friend, then he can never be a boyfriend.
I fall for strangers.

Actually me with this boy has been in the same SMP (1989-1992), but our class is separated very far, and I just knew him as one of the band of cool guys in class D (note: the band is cool, not the boy), and he just knew me as one of the cool gals in class I (as class I was cool indeed hehehe) and part of an 8 girls I think that during rest time go about to other classes doing a tebar pesona... whihihhihihihi....
In SMA (1992-1995) things are stricter. Now he said that he chose my SMA1 over SMA3 over me. Because he saw me enrolling to SMA1, heheeh.., nice try I said, I am sure you were not following me but a very beautiful friend of mine, Katrin, heheh..., and he said yes... HAHAHA..., but he also said he followed Katrin and me lah..., well that's good enough for me ;)..
In this SMA time I also don't really know him. But we joined a hiking club together and in this hiking club, we spent short times together overtime.

My split second's love experience came in a camping ground. When I was in the Cooking Section (another blind gender classification, since I know NOTHING about cooking, not even how to cut potato or any other vegetables, therefore, I asked too many questions my friends got bored of answering, they ended up giving me the tasks of washing kitchen utensils.., and cooking for 100persons, all the kitchen utensils are HUGE!!... and so I ended up washing giant dandang and giant wajan AND 100 PAIR of SPOONS three times a day, which means!! ..., that I wash and wash and wash from dawn till dusk - even longer, literally. PS: he helped me along the way. :D other boys just helped me fetch the water from the well, a task that I am totally capable to do and actually quite happy to do as a refreshment walking to the up the hill well. It's the washing that I was sick of. But he..., my precious... :P, he actually helped me with the actual washing score)
and he was in the Security Section (what a section with nice nothing to do tasks, given unfairly only to boys).

So..., one night..., taking my rest from a whole day washing task, I look at the terrain, and all the tents, and the sky with all the stars.., it was beautiful and serene. And then he walked by through and fro.., checking here and there with his nothing to do tasks.., in a long robe/jacket, wow.., he looked so so so very cool..., like a mafia guy..., and right that instant, I just fell in love with him. I mean..., this is a very cool macho boy, who checks for security and helped you wash the dishes..., wow..., I never really think of it until now. I thought I just fall for the coolness of his long robe, but probably it was the washing helping that got me.. Anyway.., that night he got me for sure. :D My split second's love experience. :D

And......, I decided to chase him.
I can't believe I did this, but I began with a traditional approach to approach a man...= through his stomach. hehehehe..., when meal times began, 100 people are queieing to get food.., ;P I offered to take some food for him so he didn't have to wait.. heeheh..., KKN..., but then he asked me to take some other plates for his friend, and I did this memble-ly.
I did it very willingly, a feeling I have never ever felt when I'm asked to serve someone else (except for the ones for his friends). But then he started to take advantage of me. That night late after dinner he asked me to brew one ceret of coffee for his Security Team, and I was sooo sleepy and tired. But I can't say no to him, if the coffee was just for him, probably I will do it more willingly, but this is for other boys as well. AND..., :D I don't know how to brew a coffee, I have never brew a coffee before. so I just boiled this ceret of water, and I don't know how to tell if the water is boiled already (seriously, I'm not kidding, I just know how to tell since 2000 when I'm living alone). So I was impatient, and when the water rings grejek grejek (kemrengseng kata orang jawa bilang, itu belum boiled, baru about to boil) I just take the ceret of water from the stove, pour some coffee in it, I don't know how much so I just take a very uneducated guess. And give the coffee to him and call it a night!
bwahahahahahaha....., the coffee was undrinkable..., I guess even the water is undrinkable actually... ahhahahahahahah...., his friends got a good laugh on him asking the wrong girl a coffee..., and I believe he was a bit embarassed also ... whahahhahahhahahhaha...
oh.., dear..., now he makes his own coffee..., or at least asked me to make it WITH a detailed instruction.. ;P .....

Ode to a great You...

To always fetch me when I'm down..
Thank you for a great you..
To follow me and cover me..
To wait for me lovingly and patiently..

I could not ask for a greater deed..
Since the greatest deed you have done to me..
None is as lucky..
Yet more often than not..
You're taken for granted..

This time I want to thank you for every single thing that you do.

Thank you to come and pick me every single night..
Thank you for always picking up my call even in an important meeting..
Thank you for waiting for me for more than a decade..
Thank you for always do all of my requests..
Thank you for tending me even when you're down..
Thank you for drinking my half-brewed coffee..
Thank you for eating my half-cooked vegetables..
Thank you for waiting for me at the side of a road, not once, not twice, but countless times literally..
Thank you for taking me shopping and taking me places..
Thank you for your patient presence when I'm down and out or boiled and exploded..

Thank you for your love that can always be count on..
Thank you for your kind words that I always get from you..

Your love choked me good, literally..
And I don't know why and what..
did I do to deserve such kindness..

I did nothing, that's for sure..
I was just the one who was brave enough..
To go upfront and claim you..
A very great You.

What a lucky me.

DON'T QUIT

when things go wrong as they sometimes will...
when the road you’re trudging seems all up hill...
when the funds are low and debts are high...
and you want to smile, but have to sigh...
when care is pressing you down a bit...
rest, if you must, but don’t you quit!

Life is queer with its twists and turns.
As everyone of us sometimes learns.
And many a failure turns about.
When s/he might have won had s/he stuck it out:
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow –
You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out –
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
You can never tell how close you are.
It may be near when it seems so far:
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit –
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.

-Author Unknown-
from the American Dream

I read this poem in my diary, it's a poem brought to Yogya by one of the probably American Indonesian language student in my former company.
I read this over and over last night and I memorize it. I gave this poem to Bbg when he was down and out looking for a job.
Never think I would need it someday. Every single word in the poem is true (*wink wink*, very true ya Rusma, especially the first verse).
I just have to do the second and third verses and hope everything will be okay.
I know being a woman you are less regarded, and that everything will only come at double efforts.
I've fought the fight too long, I lost all my strength. With The Apprentice's woman team losing four times in a row, I nearly think woman are truly dumber, worse, and weaker than man. I asked Bbg if it's true, he said no. But then he loved me so much he'd say anything to suits me, but then again he never lied. And I do think that he meant what he said.
Well The Apprentice's woman team won last night! With a triple fold win! So I guess I still have something going on. Just have to change something's in my surroundings. I don't know what it is right now. But I'll figure out.
I can't believe I feel this way, after we close one of a big project. I brought the lead and we win it! :) And we have fulfil this year's target.
I guess something happened along the way. Tried to brush it out, but it kept brushing in. :)
Marriage, :) ..., for someone very very dear to my heart, I am quite sure a marriage means a failure. The facts that I do not do and done it all before marriage, add to the fact that the marriage would means a failure and a shutdown of dreams. I have never ever dissapoints her in my entire life. But this time I cannot help it. And it just breaks my heart crushed.
Nevertheless, stick to the fight when you're hardest hit!
It's when things seem worst that you must NOT quit!
:) -better now that I said it and have it washed out of my heart- :)
thanks for reading my bleak postings this far!!!

A Story

One girl, being very depressed, one working day called her sick boyfriend at home at lunch time.
Girl: "I'm going to your place, right now!"
Boy: "But I want to sleep, this evening I'll pick you up at your office."
Girl: "No..!! I want to go to your place NOW...!"
Boy: "Argghhhhh... NOOO.....!"
Girl: "I AM VERY DEPRESSED. I HAVE TO SEE YOU NOW..., do you want me to do something
stupid and self-destructive!!!"
Boy: "NO... no..., please don't. Do you know the alley leading to my place?"
Girl: "No.."
Boy: "Then how? I'll come to your place!"
Girl: "No.., you're sick. I am going now to your place. Is there any place near there we can
meet?"
Boy: "Okay.., let's go to the Plaza adjacent to Cikini Railstation"
Girl: "Okay.., I'm going now."

With a stern, don't mess with me face, the girl went down her office and catched an ojek nearby to go to the designated place to meet him. Over lunch, they discussed.
Boy: "What happened this morning? Why are you so depressed?"
Girl: "Nothing.., it's actually from yesterday I have these feelings. Feelings that probably, first, I'm not gonna get all that I want in this life of mine, partly probably because I am not capable, and the fact that I am a woman just add to that..."

And the girl kept talking and talking for two hours about the dissapointments in her life, the fact that she really is not that excited about getting married, settle down, and have kids. And also the fact that she feels time is running out on her for her to fulfil her ambitions, partly passed down by her parent, yet all of the ambition is also 1000% wanted by herself.
It is the combination of mismatch luck, just barely enough strength and mind/political power. And of course being the only woman in the team, sometimes adds on some dimensions.
Bottomline, having marriage in the To Do list, eventhough long term, and having all these others items in her To Do list that has long overdued, even after five whole years of stretchtrying to achieve them. She felt spent, ran out of time, and dissapointed, by herself. In other words, having her dreams shattered.

And the boy kept encouraging the girl for two whole hours, listening and sympathizing.., thinking and giving advice, sometimes in stern way, sometimes in soft way.
And they both have been seated in that McDonalds restaurants for two hours.
Boy: "Am I that unimportant to you?"
Girl: "No.., if you go I'll also be shattered."
Boy: "But then you are also shattered that you don't have your dreams"
Girl: "Yes.., I want them ALL.., I want my parent to be happy, I want you, and I want everything that I wanted."
Boy: "There will be no problem. You should be thankful you have me.
I have nothing against you attaining ALL your dreams. Even after...
I would be totally supportive.
You know, all my dream is only to be with you and to be happy.
That is all my dream. There's nothing else.
I believe all other things will follow, after I am with you and happy.
I know you don't believe that. But I do, and that is all my dream."

The girl felt silent and think.., why on earth could she just want something as simple as that? That would make her life a LOT easier.
But she just can't. She has this life just once, and she wants to do it all...
But this boy in front of her, is just like a diamond for her, very valuable.
And as for now..., she just wants to keep him.

Shattered Dreams

Hehehe.., salah satu temen kosku yang lulusan Psikologi sebenernya udah tahu tentang keluh kesahku yang satu ini hehehe..., bahkan mungkin the whole gank Buntu udah tahu kali...

This is what I called

*** Towards End of Twenty Crisis***

hehehe..., sok sok pake kata2 towards lagi :)) yang bener sih "End of Twenty Crisis" huahaha.....

Itu adalah krisis yang kualami, dimana pada umur yang end of twenty tadi all my dreams belum tercapai dan kayanya jadi agak2 shattered gitu...

First of all, I would like to go abroad to pursue my study, but after numerous and I meant numerous attempts on Fullbright, AusAid, Chevening all proved to fail... I feel my dream to study abroad just slowly but sure fleeing my life schedule...

Second of all, hmm... what is second of all yah..., actually nothing in particular sih, the above dream is what I call my shattered dream. I feel tired and expensed and spent in trying to fulfil it.
My second of all is actually a combination of things..., It's the money that does not accumulate even after 5 years of working, It's the personal problem that does not have lights at the end of the tunnel, and It's the bf that demand a commitment, I'm not ready to give...
Orang memang ada aja yah.., I have friends ready to commit being dissapointed by the man/woman of their life, and here I am not wanting to commit...
But in relation to my shattered dream above, when I commit, I definitely will lose that particular dream of mine...
Oya ..., I have a second dream, which is to work in New York and be a New Yorker, being in the centre of the world...
Not to mention a vacation to Vatican, Roma, Europe, Guatemala, USA, Africa, China, Thailand..
I mean I don't even accumulate enough money now to do all that, not to mention when I commit.., you can kiss all that good bye...
And I really don't want commitment actually..., I despise the notion of settling down...
Yet I have a really remarkable partner and year by year after a decade has passed and I realized that I cannot live without my partner..., yet to retain him is to commit..., but to commit.. is to have my dream... shattered...

A Shattered Dream

by Jody Nichols

A heart broke By the sad word goodbye It's hard to believe One word can make so many cry A loss too many A team fallen apart Can one bad play Really break so many hearts A different religion A different race Why can't we See the hurt on their face A broken heart A divided team A cry for help A shattered dream.